Strategies
What will help someone when they are not thriving and feel stuck?
"It is the inability to love yourself with your problem that keeps you stuck."
MONICA ROMEO
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"Where we are stuck and blocked is the place where we can flow."
RUMI
Everyone is different, so what will work for one person will not necessarily work for another.
But something will usually work. You just have to find the right strategy, the one that is a good “fit” for you.
The key is to change something; what you are doing, thinking or feeling, your environment, your focus or your perspective, even temporarily and if you do that regularly, you start to change the way your brain works and how you feel.
Small regular shifts can change even the most seemingly difficult and entrenched patterns of behavior and mood. And most stuckness is either supported or lessened by continuing or changing a pattern.
While many techniques, strategies and therapies have been credited, anecdotally or scientifically with having some beneficial effects on wellbeing see more… the following are those that I mainly use or recommend because they meet a number of essential criteria
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They have no known negative side effects
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I have used this approach personally and professionally and have found it to be beneficial
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There has also been some evidence-based research regarding its efficacy
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I can teach you to do it for yourself
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Depending on your issue, your usual way of coping, your needs, fears, values and strengths I will use, introduce or suggest a number of different strategies but invariably will include at least one that addresses physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing.
Meditation
Meditation and Mindfulness practices have been studied consistently for many years and proven to have many beneficial side effects; physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
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You don't necessarily need to find extra time to meditate. You can use the time you have in a different way.
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I have been using meditation and teaching people how to meditate on their own for many years. Listening to guided meditations can be helpful, but I prefer to teach people how to develop and use a daily practice on their own, so that they can experience positive, sustainable change.
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There are literally thousands of different styles and ways to meditate. You can use many different meditation objects; your breath, sound, sensations, something visual for example. I can help you to find a way that works for you.
Breathing Practices
I will always include something that involves working with the breath because it is free, always available to you, and one of the most effective tools you can have in your wellbeing toolkit.
Breathing in a certain way, with an emphasis on the out- breath rather than the in-breath will switch on your body’s natural relaxation response, and whatever is going on will be best handled, the calmer and more relaxed you can be.
Research shows that slow breathing, ideally at a rate of 6 breaths per minute (instead of the usual 12-20) impacts significantly on your respiratory, cardiovascular and autonomic nervous system.
For example, slow breathing increases HRV (heart rate variability), the interval between heart beats, and a high HRV is a sign that your nervous system is balanced and you are physically fit and capable of adapting and responding well to environmental change and stress.
Slow breathing also slows down your heart rate and blood flow and these changes settle the nervous system and allow you to shift out of a state of arousal and reaction to one of agency and response.
There are countless breathing techniques that will all achieve the same outcome. What is important is focusing on the outbreath.
Taking a deep breath in (which used to be commonly suggested when someone was anxious or distressed) is actually not the best advice, as it can exacerbate hyperventilation symptoms and provoke arousal in your body.
Any form of breathing that lengthens your outbreath, also relaxes the diaphragm, reduces heart rate, activates the vagus nerve, relaxes your muscles and returns blood to the pre frontal cortex (your thinking brain) and empathy circuits.
Science is now confirming what ancient qigong and yogic practices have always advocated; that this kind of breathing is one of the most important practices for physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health.
The simplest breathing technique to promote a calming effect is to exhale through the mouth (as if you are blowing through a straw) for 5 to 6 seconds with a pause at the end and then breathe in very gently through your nose and repeat this breathing pattern for a few rounds.
Other effective variations are 4,7,8 breathing and controlled 4,4,4,4 breathing (exhale, hold, inhale hold) which have actually been used in training special forces to promote a sense of calm, focus and connection.
If what you require is to feel energized instead of calm, nose breathing is more effective.
I help my clients find and practice at least one breathing technique that will be readily available during difficult moments.
Depending on the client and the issue, other elements like visualization for example, can be included to make the practice even more effective.
Movement
No effective wellbeing plan can exclude movement.
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Studies of wellbeing and longevity all concur that the health benefits of movement are indisputable.
Whether you walk, jog, go to the gym, dance, cycle, do yoga, pilates, tai chi, play a sport, or any other movement or exercise doesn’t matter.
What matters is that you do something, even for a short time, regularly (preferably every day).
As part of a wellbeing assessment, I will speak to clients about physical aspects of their wellbeing, including nutrition, hydration, sleep and exercise and almost invariably when people feel stuck they are also neglecting their physical wellbeing in some way.
When clients commit to a few minutes each day in this area, shifts also occur in mood and mental function.
To thrive, you need to feel energised and resourced, and it is difficult to do that if your body is not rested, fuelled or feeling strong and alive.
Research shows that symptoms of anxiety and depression are ameliorated once people are exercising or moving regularly.
Start slowly. Even a walk around the block can help. Not only are you moving, bringing blood flow and oxygen into your cells, but if you allow your brain to gently focus on your surroundings, what you see, hear, smell, notice and feel, this will also affect your brain cells positively distracting you from patterns of negative thinking which are typical when your limbic system (your bodies internal fire alarm) has been activated.
Often when we feel bad, we also feel alone.
Getting out of the house and in nature has the added benefit of putting us in contact with others and that human connection is critical for wellbeing. Just smiling at someone or acknowledging them as they walk by can boost your immune system and affect brain health.
If leaving the house is difficult, technology offers countless resources. Free Youtube videos are available for all kinds of wellbeing activities that involve movement. There is something that will appeal to all personalities and fitness levels.
Latest research shows that a few minutes of movement/exercise using no special equipment is equivalent to hours in the gym. There is no excuse not to move, and age and mobility need not be a barrier.
Qigong practices, for example, can be done and have been proven beneficial even in elderly patients confined to a wheelchair.
"The harder you fall the higher you bounce."
HORACE
Without a doubt one of the most effective and impressive counsellors I have ever seen.
Results driven and a wonderful communicator who is committed to helping her clients turn their lives around.
The best outcome for me is that I have sustained these positive changes, and I would see Monica again without reservation if I needed to in the future.
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I cannot recommend her highly enough to anyone needing counselling.
Michelle 38 - Company Director
Cognitive Strategies
"I think 99 times and find nothing. I stop thinking, swim in silence, and the truth comes to me."
A EINSTEIN
There is a well known statistic that we have about 60-80,000 thoughts a day, that most of those are the same that we had yesterday and that when we are stressed a significant number of those thoughts are negative.
This negativity bias is a remnant of our evolutionary survival system, where we had to be attuned to potential danger to avoid being eaten by a hungry tiger.
Although most of us no longer have to worry about being a tiger’s lunch, our nervous system still carries that old programming.
So our system acts like Teflon (non stick) to positivity and Velcro (stick) to negativity. That is why if someone says something hurtful to us, we would need to hear five positive things or compliments to neutralize the impact of the one negative thing we heard.
This negativity bias explains why we might focus on the one person who is not there for us instead of noticing all the ones who are.
Of those 60-80,000 thoughts, some are about others, some are about ourselves, (the encouraging or critical voice in our head) and some about the world around us. Studies in neuroscience have revealed that 95% of brain activity is beyond our conscious awareness. So that means that only 5% of cognitive activities are within our current awareness.
Most of what we are thinking is automatic, and playing in the background, just out of our awareness, but still affecting how we feel and act. Shifting to manual, making a conscious decision to choose what we will focus on, is one useful way of feeling some control over our ruminating mind.
The conscious mind, our thinking brain, which determines our actions,
speaks in the language of logic and analysis.
The unconscious mind, our feeling brain, on the other hand, which determines our reactions, communicates through the language of emotions and bodily sensations.
We can choose our conscious thoughts, and we can bring our unconscious thoughts into awareness, with practices like meditation and mindfulness.
The quality of our thoughts and our relationship with them can also impact on our wellbeing.
Often clients talk to me of being unable to stop worrying thoughts, or of being overwhelmed by them.
I do not think it is possible or necessary to try to stop your thoughts. It is more important to notice them, and turn towards them with compassion, neither “becoming” them or rejecting them, but realizing that they are serving a purpose.
Becoming aware of and changing your relationship with your thoughts, and choosing which to focus on are important cognitive practices that will impact on wellbeing.
Shifting from unhelpful thinking styles like catastrophising, black and white/either or thinking, shoulding, comparison and labelling to more helpful practices like looking for the AND, stating what you want instead of what you don’t and asking quality questions can help to shift mood and focus to a more positive state.
Psycho-education
There is a saying that information (knowledge) is power, and I believe in empowering you, by sharing what I know about what will help you to thrive.
There is evidence that psycho- educational interventions contribute to better outcomes when people are emotionally or mentally distressed. My experience is that the more you understand about how your brain works and how what you do, think and feel can affect its functioning, about the body’s inbuild defence and survival mechanisms, about how the mind, body and spirit are inextricably linked, how emotional states are patterns that can be reinforced or diminished, how new habits can be formed and how states like gratitude and care can affect your physical functioning including your heart beat, the more confidence and hope you can have that you can influence and potentially change at least some aspects of whatever is going on.
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That is why, depending on your issue and goals, I will include some psycho-educational information in our sessions.
Spiritual Practices
One of the pieces that I have found to be critical to wellbeing and thriving is to live a life that is aligned with your strengths and values.
When you are not in a congruent state; when what you feel on the inside is not aligned with how you show up on the outside, it will impact negatively on your mood and physical well being, whereas if you are congruent, aligned with your values and strengths, even if things are challenging, you will feel better about yourself, more resourced and better able to respond more positively to whatever you are facing.
Research from the Heartmath Institute which aims to help people deepen their heart/mind connection, reduce stress and increase resilience has found that different heart patterns accompany different emotional states and that a coherent pattern can be evoked when we are in certain genuine states like care, love, joy and appreciation.
Simple, quick effective techniques that promote coherence can settle your nervous system and also help you to feel more like “yourself".
Many clients tell me that the issue they are facing is made more difficult because they do not feel like themselves or they are not showing up in a way that is aligned with their own values and strengths, so helping clients to reconnect with those values is an important part of my approach.
"It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any self deception or illusion,
that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success, may be recognised."
I CHING
“I have known Monica Romeo for over 30 years. I have followed her journey from social worker to meditation teacher, counsellor and advocate and many other endeavours in between. Monica is one of those rare individuals who bring enthusiasm and joy to everything they do. She thrives on inspiring others.
She loves life, is amazingly resilient, genuine and ethical, she stands by her values and walks her talk.“
FB - Psychologist
​Energy practices
"Energy is a bit like money. If you have a positive balance, you can distribute it in various ways"
STEPHEN HAWKING
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"Often the problem is not a matter of time management. It is a matter of managing and working with your energy."
MONICA ROMEO
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We are fields of energy in an infinite energy field
EE CUMMINGS
Every culture has a word for energy, life force or aliveness. In Japan it is Ki, in India Prana, China Qi France Elan Greece Pneuma, in the Hebrew language Ruah. In western culture we also use Spirit or Inspiration to mean life force energy.
There is no doubt that we are energy beings, and that our body uses different kinds of energy including electrical and chemical energy. It converts food into energy and even at rest it produces 100 watts of power. Our nervous system uses electrical impulses to send signals throughout our body. We measure electrical activity in the heart and brain as indicators of wellbeing.
Energy is a very practical component of the way we experience the world and how we impact on those around us.
Think about the people you know who seem to bring “good” energy with them when you see them and those who drain you or take it away instead.
Energy is an important resource. Understanding what affects our own energy, how we use it, replenish it and react and interpret different energy to our own is also important.
In The power of full engagement, authors Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz demonstrate that managing energy, not time is the key to high performance, personally and professionally.
So consider for a moment
What energy do you usually show up with each day?
What nourishes you and gives you energy?
What drains you?
What energy are you bringing to the situation that you are in?
It has been said that an emotion is energy in motion and different emotions have different energy and impact.
Emotions like shame and guilt, for example have a very different effect to others like joy, peace, gratitude and love.
The First Law of thermo dynamics is that energy cannot be created or destroyed, but it can be converted or transformed from one form to another, so it follows then that we cannot kill emotions that we don’t like. We cannot kill disappointment, sadness or even anger, for example, but with time, support and the right tools they may transform into other emotions. Anger can sometimes transform into motivation or inspiration for positive change, disappointment into acceptance, compassion or satisfaction and sadness into gratitude.
There are many different ways to work with energy, from practical ones to organising your day in a way that best works with your energy clock, to culling things, people and activities in your life that no longer serve you, to trying new things that energise neural activity in the brain.
I use and teach clients various energy psychology techniques including a simple and effective form of tapping, which can be learned quickly and used as a very simple stress reduction technique as well.
Tapping is based on acupuncture, (without the needles) and has been found to very effective in dealing with many conditions including the impact of trauma, stress and anxiety.
Gratitude Practices
Happiness is not having what you want, it is wanting what you have
Rabbi Hyman Schachtel
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Studies have pointed to numerous benefits in having a daily gratitude practice, including:
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Improving physical health
Gratitude practices boost the immune system, reduce blood pressure, improve sleep, enhance recovery from coronary events and contribute to longevity
Improving psychological health
Reseach by Robert A Emmons confirms that gratitude increases happiness, reduces depression and emotions like envy, resentment, frustration and regret and improves relationships. Another study at Kentucky University found gratitude increased empathy and optimism, reduced aggression and contributed to relationship building
Improving mental health
Studies confirm that having a gratitude practice reduces stress, and PTSD symptoms and increases resilience. It contributes to greater life satisfaction and self esteem and can be a protective factor when suicide ideation is present. It has also been found to reduce impatience and improve decision-making.
Having a gratitude practice does not mean denying or ignoring challenges or difficulties, but it does mean choosing what aspects of your lived experience you focus on.
Our brain has an inbuilt negativity bias, so it more readily goes to the what’s not going well. A gratitude practice helps to put things in perspective and not get into a spiral of negative thinking. When we can see the whole picture, the positive in any situation as well as the negative, in other words the objective truth of it, we are less likely to get stuck.
Gratitude helps us to realise what we have. We move from a feeling of scarcity to one of abundance.
True I only have trickle of water in my shower, but it is warm and I don’t have to walk miles to get it like many people in the world do right now.
How do you do it?
There are various ways and I can help clients find a way that works for them.
I prefer doing it in the morning as it sets me up for the rest of the day. I will usually ask myself
What three things am I grateful for today?
Saying it out loud and writing it down can make it a more effective practice.
You can do it regardless of what is going on, but also when you feel stuck in negativity. Counting your blessings doesn’t change what is happening or negate it’s impact, but it can help to put you in a state from which you can best respond.
Stress reduction and grounding practices
There is now no doubt that the impact of ongoing stress has deleterious effects on health and wellbeing.
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There are many, simple, effective strategies that can help calm the mind, relax the body and settle the nervous system. Having a few tools in your emotional first aid kit will give you more confidence that you can deal more effectively with life’s inevitable uncertainties and challenges.
The more you practice when life is going well and you feel good, the easier it will be when something does go wrong.
Developing daily mindfulness and meditation practices, or little wellbeing and self care rituals, help to build up a resilience “muscle” so that you can respond to whatever life throws up in a more balanced and effective way.
Let me help you to identify effective coping strategies and create self-care rituals that can contribute to sustainable positive shifts in your life.
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I encourage you to have a range of strategies in your toolkit (I suggest a minimum of 4, one physical, one emotional, one mental and one spiritual) that you can practice and use when you need some extra support.
Let’s discuss which might be helpful for you.
I found Monica to be approachable and understanding but more importantly sensitive, especially with regard to some very personal issues.
She taught me coping strategies that were practical, relevant and easy to understand.
I have no hesitation in recommending her.
John 59 - Accountant/Company Director